Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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