heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
