That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
