Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
