I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
