Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
