you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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