I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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