but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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