It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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