I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
