You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
