why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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