Whatcha textin bout Willis?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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