you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
