got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
