hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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