Me too!
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
