I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Just pee around me
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
