I want to have your abortion
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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