I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
