Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
