Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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