I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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