I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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