The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
