I've blown a few things in my day
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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