I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
