chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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