Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
