How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
