she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
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