Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
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