the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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