I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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