get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
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