she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
