I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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