Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
