Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
