well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
