I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
