The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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