You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
