We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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