I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
