No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
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I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
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Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I love you. Go after that dick
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
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