WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
