You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
