do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
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All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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