Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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