i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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