i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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