I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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