It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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