At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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