i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
