then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
