ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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