so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
