my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
